A how to by Me.
Due to a lack of motivation today I have decided to compile this easy to stick to guide when deciding to Move to a new house, selling your old one to start a new different “Dream life”
It should be easy to adhere to. I have edited out the emotional parts, so just stick to the ones listed in bold.
- Decide to move to another suburb that will make you happier.
- Find an Agent. One thats not a cock sucker, trying to rip you off, say stuff like “yeah for sure your house is worth 2 million”
- Put it on the market.
- Get them to put an awesome sign in your front yard. fuck this is really happening we are going to sell our house, is this the right decision?, what happens if a hippy buys it and paints it pink, or installs curtains, or worse……puts one of those hairy rugs down
- Find a buyer. this part is the most fucked. Waiting for someone to buy. May as well wait for someone to offer for you to live in the fucking penthouse of centre point tower, or some one to give you lara bingle’s aston martin
- Agree on a price you are offering what $2.50? hows about for that price I also let you “sort me out” with one of those big black dildos, hangon and I will even throw in a solid gold rocket car, all for the mutally agreed on price of $g.etfucked
- Cooling off and settlement Let me tell you nothing settling about waiting for 470k, to arrive in your bank account. And cooling off only relates to your fit of rage when you heard the same couple talk about “what an interesting colour, not our cup of tea so we are thinking of painting over it with hot purple”, “oh and every heart felt thing you have done to the house to make it a little nicer, we are going to rip it out and shit on it!!”
- Find a new place. This step includes finding awesome places that are way out of your price range just to make the point of moving to “better diggs”, or finding your dream home in you dream suburb (hot apartment in metro suburb close to that Japanese Noodle bar you love) for 12 million dollars per week, then explaining to your family and friends that the decision to move was “purely for the kids and financial reasons”
- Moving……..OH FUCK? we have to move again?
- Forgetting your old house. This is done by shitting on every last feature, including the ones you loved, and the ones that clinched the deal and made you buy it. It also includes the awesome theatre room that you will probably never be able to afford to have again, and also the things you really wanted to install – such as garage door openers. This can be achieved easily by saying things like……fuck I hated staying in the car whilst the garage door opener open the door quietly and let me in to the garage keeping my dry and out of the sun, and also let me get in and out of the garage with out moving at all….yeah that was like so shit.
- Enjoy New Apartment. This is done most effectively by ignoring any thing wrong with the new apartment and any crazy neighbours, and refusing to acknowledge their existence due to the fact that “our new place is just everything we dreamed of”.
So there you have it.
please email for any further hints or tips……panda [at] pandainabattlesuit dot Com (as mentioned before I have written the above email address in special code as to not let the train riding android hack and start checking my email)
